Colon Cancer Screening, or, A Blue Box with a Turd in it.

Adults are supposed to get a colonoscopy at age 45 to screen for colon cancer. Somehow, I have avoided getting naked, drugged and assaulted with a rubber hose up my ass until I was 67. I have generally been under the care of my cardiologist for many years. I get blood work done and see him every 6 months. Recently, I have been told that I should have a "Primary Doctor". It seems that your Primary Doctor is responsible for convincing you to get certain screenings and vaccinations including screening for colon cancer. I recently had a pain issue that turned out to be a pinched nerve in my spine. In an attempt to find out what was wrong and get it fixed, I had to see my previously under-utilized "primary doctor". After a few visits, the pain issue settled down and my Primary doctor asked me if he could go over the medical issues that he was supposed to do with me. One of which, was a colon cancer screening. Evidently, if you do not have colon cancer in your family history, which I don't, you can get an at-home, DIY colon cancer screening kit called Cologuard in lieu of a colonoscopy. In my mind, I am all for anything that does not include getting a hose up my ass while unconscious. A screening kit was ordered and last Friday, a blue box showed up at my door. From TV commercials, I knew that somehow, I was gonna have to get a turd into that box.

I turned to Youtube to get more details. Sure enough you have to put a turd in that box and send it back to the lab for analysis. The process is pretty simple. You suspend a small bucket on a bracket over the toilet and drop in a turd. What could go wrong with that? What if the steamer is too long for the bucket and falls over the side. How would you put it back in the bucket. What if you overfilled the bucket? Would you use a soup ladle to take some out? I was paralyzed with inaction as I walked past the blue box sitting on the hall table. Every time I walked by the box, it kept saying to me, sooner or later you are gonna have to shit in this box. Each time, I though about all the things that could and probably would go wrong.

The time came on Tuesday morning. I had not had a pizza nor Mexican food the night before and it was time to do the deed. Long short, I put a nice steamer in the bucket and following the instructions, took a scrape sample of the aforementioned turd and added the large bottle of preservative. This turned my "steamer" into a "floater". I closed up the bucket tightly and carefully repacked it in the blue box. I felt very accomplished. I had put the prescribed sized turd in the bucket and packed it up in the blue box for shipping. All I had left to do was get the blue box to UPS for shipping. The worst was over, right?

I ship packages from the UPS store all of the time. I print the labels from my UPS account and drop packages off literally all of the time. Today, I did the same thing. I put the box on the counter and say, "I don't need a receipt" and started to walk out as I usually do. Well, it seems that the staff at the UPS store knows that there are turds in those blue boxes. The clerk asked me to pick the box back up and then muttered something that I did not quite understand. When I asked her to repeat, she said, a bit louder, that box contained things that they did not want to touch and she would get me a plastic bag. I picked up the box and waited for her to finish with another customer, one of many who heard the entire exchange. A moment later, she appeared with a large plastic bag and asked me to put the box in the bag. I did as I was asked and rapidly exited the UPS Store, hoping nobody had recognized me.

If you get the opportunity to get a DIY cancer screening and think that it is easy and private. It may be easier than a colonoscopy, but just remember, everybody seems to know that there is turd in that blue box.